Kung Fu Panda: Drabbles
by FearlessTiger
Summary: Our favourite Kung Fu Masters are back! And they're ready to make you laugh with their antics and unexpected situations. So they shall! But beware, Monkey and Mantis chose the rating to be T. And so it shall be. ; The Universe chose the couples to be Ti/Po and Viper/Crane. As it was decided! :D


Kung Fu Panda: Drabbles

**AN: *Covers face with her hand* Ashamed to even look at you, guys... *Takes a hat and glues it to her face* Okay, so, while this one bunny tickles me with its whiskers, I'll try to explain myself. ALRIGHTO.**** Basically, my mother (the supreme boss around) ordered me to either delete LoA - My Way, or my ACCOUNT, because of a stupid tax we got from this stupid site I watched the first episode on... ''FOR FREE''! Thing is... Ahhh, well, I didn't delete it when she told me to, and two days ago... Ehh... ''WHAT IS THIS THING DOING HERE?!'' Sheer luck. Anyways... I have this series of drabbles instead... And, as an apology... I promise to update frequently! That must say SOMETHING, considering I'm working on my Naruto story as well, right? Okay, so all these drabbles must have something in common... One thing... Can you guess? Humor, you say? YES! XD Again, I'm SO sorry, but I do NOT mess with my mom... No one does. XD**

**Disclaimer: One does not simply say he doesn't own Kung Fu Panda. **

Kung Fu Panda: Drabbles

Chapter 1: Diet

''Order up, guys!'' Po announced cheerfully as he passed five different bowls around the wooden table. He could smell the delicious noodles he had cooked, a forever welcomed scent making his stomach beg for more.

The Dragon Warrior sat on his chair and licked his lips while staring into the wonder-filled bowl in front of him. Training had made him exceptionally hungry that day, and a blissful dinner was the one and only way for the panda to relax after an intense training session.

He grabbed a pair of chopsticks and felt ready to fill his beloved belly with the flavoured treat he had prepared. Not even daring to take his eyes off the noodles, Po skillfully used his chopsticks to lift a fair amount of golden delight up to his face level, ready to feel the flavour of his dearly wanted dinner.

As he leaned in, the Dragon Warrior closed his eyes, wanting to make the wondrous moment of noodles touching his lips a surprise. He felt the heat coming closer and closer...

But something cracked loudly.

Po instantly opened his eyes and glanced at his friends, not missing the picture of one noodle that was almost touching his lower lip. Quite disappointed, the panda noticed how the Furious Five had all stopped eating (even though Master Tigress seemed to have gained a new pair of whiskers) and were looking at him questioningly.

The Dragon Warrior put his chopsticks back into his bowl and shrugged. That was when they heard the noise again, though not so loudly.

Assuming that an intruder had found a way to enter the Jade Palace, Crane and Viper noiselessly got up from their seats, intending to search for anything that could confirm the original assumption.

However, Master Tigress seemed to have located another suspect, one that should have been extremely hard to miss from the very beginning: their very fluffy panda, who was turning from left to right at every cracking sound, the noises having become continuous.

''Po,'' the tiger said suddenly, ignoring the glares she received from the two investigators and also from the weary other two Masters, who had been blissfully silent. ''Stop moving.''

Although a bit confused, the Dragon Warrior did as he was told, knowing that Master Tigress was not a person to disobey.

Miraculously, the noises ceased for the two whole minutes when nobody moved. Then, the tiger gestured towards the panda with an emotionless expression, as the other members of the Furious Five finally understood what their leader was suspecting.

''Now move.''

Po leaned over, the result of his action being the one sound that they all had heard earlier. Monkey pointed towards the panda.

''It's you!''

Po looked confused at first, but he started to form a picture of what the primate was assuming. He instantly crossed his arms with an embarrassed blush.

''_Hey!_''

''Not _you_, Po,'' Viper tried to explain, the urge to rub her head with her tail being impossible to resist. Sometimes, the panda understood things a bit sooner than an unborn child.

''Your chair,'' Master Viper smiled forcefully, the tip of her tail pointing towards the small piece of wood Po was sitting on.

Po lifted one eyebrow before glancing down. The Furious Five's eyes then saw something few eyes ever get to see: a panda jumping higher than an athlete.

''Ewwwww!''

That was also when Master Tigress snapped, her fist promptly greeting the Dragon Warrior's head. None of the Masters were surprised when it sounded empty.

''Let me make you understand, you moron,'' she started, seemingly oblivious to the panda's brand new, red fur. ''You're so fat, you're making the chair crack. So, from now on, you're on a strict _diet_.''

For a reason unknown, every window in the Jade Palace broke just then... as did Po's heart.

The panda lifted himself from the floor, still rubbing his temple, and looked at Master Tigress pleadingly. ''D.. Diet? But Tigress...''

''No buts,'' Master Tigress said, the look in her eyes telling everyone in the room that her decision was final. In her thoughts, however, she wanted to groan. Being Po's nutritionist was the last thing she ever wanted. But they couldn't afford having the Dragon Warrior heavier than he already was.

Oblivious to the tiger's thoughts, Po fell on his knees and glanced at his other friends, the one word that frightened him most echoing in his mind like an evil lullaby. ''Guys?''

While Viper, Mantis and Crane looked at him pitifully, Monkey just huffed, mercilessly turning on his heels and leaving the kitchen, a big cookie jar in his hands. ''You know I've wanted this for months.''

Master Tigress barely resisted the urge to slap herself. Any other day, the panda's weight would have been the first thing on the 'Not my problem' list she owned, but it had only been two months since Lord Shen's death and they all had to be in shape, in case of a surprise attack from the peacock's remaining troups.

For the sake of her pride, she decided to be the worst trainer anyone could have. Also, she wanted to give the panda the worst time of his life, for making her lower herself to that level... And Master Tigress was very good at being bad.

''Good, Dragon Warrior,'' she started, making her voice sound evil. ''I want you to go to your room and do push-ups until you lose consciousness. And if you're still conscious when I come to check on you... I'll make sure you don't wake up until next week.''

As the panda walked out of the kitchen, completely mortified, his stomach growled at him for being so mean to it. But he did have the power to ask one more question.

''When... Will you come to check on me?''

Tigress made herself chuckle at that, before gesturing for him to go away. ''I don't know. Sweet dreams.''

''Uh huh,'' was all Po said, as he dashed for his room, not caring about the noises the soft floor made at his mere steps.

Making sure nobody was around, the brave, strong, legendary Dragon Warrior opened his bedroom door, shamelessly opened Master Tigress' door and entered her room, then he glued his back to the wall opposite to the entrance and took a deep breath.

Then, he ran. From Tigress' room to the hallway and, after miraculously managing to close the feline's door without stopping, he dashed straight into his room, and didn't stop until his head hit a very hard wall.

Pleased with himself, the Dragon Warrior fell on his back with a thud, his eyes closing. Before he drifted into a peaceful, unconscious state, the panda remembered the bowls of noodles he always stole after dinner, and how they were all kept cold in one secret place only he knew of...

**KFP DRABBLES**

''Po! Up! Now!'' Was the call Po Ping woke up to. As always, his stomach growled, asking for a delicious breakfast. That time, however, the Dragon Warrior had no idea what punishment his stomach and every other part of his body was going to receive.

''Panda!''

''I'm up, I'm up...'' Po yawned, lifting himself from the floor. He realized that he had slept on the cold floor the whole night and that he most likely had caught a cold. But that was going to be the last of his worries.

Tigress grinned to herself at seeing the panda on the floor. It seemed like he had really worn himself out... Even though she never came to check on him: Master Tigress was not one to lose her precious sleep for something so unimportant. Besides, she was sure that her attitude had scared the Dragon Warrior so much, he might have done those push-ups without using his hands. She would never tell him, though.

''Po, I want you in the Training Hall in five minutes. Also, bring some water. We'll be there for a long time,'' she announced before closing the still sleepy panda's door.

''Wait, _what_?'' She heard the Dragon Warrior call and the tiger sighed. 'So, he realized there'll be no breakfast...''

**KFP DRABBLES**

''I said five minutes, Po. You're late,'' Master Tigress stated, crossing her arms. True, she had expected the panda to be late, but, as an evil nutritionist, the tiger was not going to accept lateness.

Tigress inwardly groaned. She tried to imagine what her Master would say if he saw her in that posture. To her dismay, the tiger realized that not even Shifu himself could be able to resist the urge to chuckle.

Unlike Tigress, Po was extremely pleased that morning, after a blissful, secret noodle bowl he had eaten after waking up. Being introduced to every single room in the Jade Palace (as the Dragon Warrior) had been the best thing that could have happened to him.

Po smirked to himself. 'Following' stripes' diet was going to be a piece of cake... or so he thought.

''Alright, panda,'' the stressed tiger started, gesturing towards Master Crane. ''We'll have Crane checking your weight, and then we'll start exercising.''

Master Crane sighed in sorrow. He really hadn't intended to be a part of Tigress' torture operation, but birds did have what one would call survival instinct, and he definitely knew to never mess with the feline. Never.

Po, however, had many things to learn as the Dragon Warrior... and as a living creature.

''Wait a minute. My weight?'' He questioned, suddenly flushed. ''Come on, Tigress, I haven't checked my weight since... Okay, I've never freaking checked my weight!''

Tigress growled before she could stop herself from doing so, and grabbed Po's arm. ''There's a first time for everything,'' she said, angrily throwing the massive panda towards Master Crane.

For the avian, it seemed the panda was flying in slow motion. His tongue twisted in the air, while his arms opened like the wings of a fat penguin who was trying to fly. A belly like no other, that was attracted by the Earth with a phenomenal force. And with a ferocious roar, the panda landed. On the floor.

Silence filled the air for thirty seconds, while Crane stared from the fallen panda to the flushed Master Tigress and back. Then, Po suddenly lifted himself with a little bit of trouble and turned around, whistling. ''See? The Universe doesn't want you to check my weight. Simple as that. Now, let's go get breakfast...''

''Not so fast,'' Tigress said, still blushing because of her failed attempt. She quickly assumed that the panda truly had become a lot heavier. Grabbing Po's paw, she forcefully pulled him towards the mildly confused Master Crane.

The Dragon Warrior started whining as Tigress lifted him once again, earning an annoyed eyeroll from the feline. She then dropped him on Crane's neck, the poor bird choking on his own breath as the panda's heavy butt greeted his lungs.

Almost instantly, Crane pushed him off and coughed blood. Next, he gave Master Tigress a look that one could call deadly, but he still kept the numbers in his head running.

''Two hundred and sixty pounds...,'' Crane announced, cursing his phenomenal talent for the first time in his life. Being able to guess one's weight by holding them had been something to be proud of, until that day.

''Alright, Po,'' Tigress said, putting her hands on her hips. ''Get the bags I prepared over there and let's go.''

She and Crane (the latter still suffering from pain and trauma) exited the legendary Training Hall, closing the doors behind them.

That left Po. And he was staring. Staring at twenty huge bags.

**KFP DRABBLES**

''Yes, baby, you're okay.''

''I won't let you fa- WHOA! No, you're fine...''

''I'm here... We're both okay... We'll have plenty of time to rest later...''

Monkey and Mantis snickered. ''Dude, we should record this thing and sell it for grands,'' the primate whispered to his friend. Since Crane had proved to be seriously hurt, he remained at the Palace, along with Viper, and Monkey, Mantis, Tigress and Po were climbing up a hill, the Dragon Warrior having discovered that talking to the bags he was carrying made him feel more secure.

To his defence, Po had a pile of bags on his back and head, all of them seeming extremely heavy... And they weren't even half up the hill.

Mantis hushed the primate. ''Shut up, this is getting better... Listen.''

''Whoaaa.. Wait, no, no, no, don't sit on my face...''

''Yeah, good, that's better...''

''UGH, _you're_ a naughty one, aren't you?''

The two Masters couldn't hold it in any longer and burst into hysterical laughter, while their eyes filled with tears.

''_Ain't she_?'' Monkey managed, before a fist hit his head, making him lose consciousness. Tigress had been feeling miserable all along, and Monkey's comment truly made her snap. Ignoring Mantis' terrified look, she lifted the primate's body with one hand, carelessly throwing the unconscious Master over Po's bags.

''Whoa, Tigress, watch it!'' The panda yelled, struggling to maintain his balance as the newly added weight almost made him trip. Besides, he was exhausted and his stomach begged for more secret noodles.

He had _never_ believed that he'd ever have to walk up a hill with twenty heavy bags on his back, while having an unconscious primate's saliva falling in front of his eyes. _Never, __**ever**_.

''We're here,'' the female member of the group announced, turning around to face the two Master that still possessed the ability to hear her.

Immediately, Po threw the pile of bags and the primate off him, having to crawl on the ground to reach his new trainer. ''What... Did you put in those... Bags?''

''Nothing useful. I just made you carry them.''

**KFP DRABBLES**

''You want me to do _what_?!'' Po, shrieked, his voice echoing throughout the mountains. They weren't far away from the Valley, so every citizen of their beloved home managed to hear the panda's scream.

To his defence, the Dragon Warrior had received the 'gift' of his life. Of course, he'd been given other presents: noodles, noodle soup, noodles and chocolate, deep fried noodles, noodles and tomato sauce, noodles and beef, baked cheese noodles, noodles and ice cream, caramel noodles and vanilla noodles.

Never a rock. Never a huge rock. Never a huge rock he'd have to carry all the way down the hill.

''I hate repeating myself, Dragon Warrior. You'll take Monkey with you for that,'' Tigress said flatly, her arms crossed over her chest. ''Get on with it.''

Master Mantis looked over to his unconscious best friend and sighed, caressing the primate's head sorrowfully. ''It was great slapping chicks' butts with you, bro...''

The Master of the Tiger Style barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes and motioned for the insect to follow her as she walked down the hill. ''We'll be waiting.''

As his two companions hurriedly disappeared from his sight, Po took a little time to eye his surroundings. All he could see was green, with the occasional flower, as it was spring. Nothing else, except the slight glimpse of the Valley, but the Dragon Warrior was certain that it was only visible from a certain height.

Monkey's limp body was lying next to his chubby feet, the primate still being unconscious. Po gave his friend a pitiful look, before glancing towards the four meters high, massive rock he was supposed to carry. The Dragon Warrior sighed. Stripes' diet wasn't so easy to escape, after all...

**KFP DRABBLES**

''Okay, buddy. C'mon up...,'' Po told Monkey as he somehow managed to sustain the weight of the immense rock and also grab the primate's body with one hand and pull him into his arms.

The image would have been humorous for anyone: a panda with a rock two times his weight on his back, and the same panda, holding an unconscious monkey in his arms. _Seemingly_, for no absolute reason.

Po, however, knew his place and had decided that being crushed was better than being beaten to death by Master Tigress.

So, he took one step.

Nothing happened.

Another step.

Same result.

Becoming confident, Po took a third step, starting to believe that it really wasn't so hard.

He fell.

**KFP DRABBLES**

''AAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHHH!''

''WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA!''

''NNNNNYYYYUUUUAAAAAHH!''

...Basically, Po Ping had managed to get up from the ground before the rock crushed him and his friend. To his distress, they weren't even close to being safe, having to run from the lifeless beast that was following them like a nightmare. Well... Po was running. Monkey was peacefully sucking on his thumb while being carried.

What was worst for the Dragon Warrior, though, was that Tigress and Mantis were nowhere to be seen. Also, they seemed not to hear the panda's yells, either: and that was bad.

Suddenly, Po tripped and fell once again, the rock trapping him and his companion beneath it for two seconds, before they were pulled straight on top.

After having his heart skip a beat, the Dragon Warrior checked the situation from A to Z and realized two things.

Good news: Monkey was waking up.

Bad news: He was running backwards on a huge rock that went downhill with the speed of a spaceship.

''Po?'' The primate voiced, confused, while staring at the panda, who was and had been yelling like an idiot all along.

The panda looked down, as Monkey began to realize what was actually going on, and he grinned nervously.

''Hi, Monkey.''

The Master answered him with a terrified look, finally understanding the situation (and not bothering to question it). Po chuckled, trying to lighten the atmosphere, as an idea formed into his head.

''Don't worry, buddy. I got it!'' He declared, feeling that his feet would soon burn because of the fastness of their movements.

At his companion's words, Master Monkey's eyes widened to the point where they started to hurt. He instinctively grabbed the panda's chubby neck, the possibility of strangling him actually running through the primate's head.

Not letting the primate voice his desperate thoughts, however, Po jumped.

''_Dude_!''

**KFP DRABBLES**

Tigress was peacefully drinking her tea, having Master Mantis as company. She congratulated herself for having such a brilliant plan: letting the panda lose his weight while she regained some of her pride... Genius.

However, the Master hoped that Po's diet was worth her time and pride. She was missing her training, just to help him lose weight; Tigress had to admit it to herself, though: she would have never done that for any other fat panda.

''Tigress...''

The call snapped her out of her reverie, and Master Tigress had to wonder what Mantis could possibly bother her for. After all, she hated to be interrupted, no matter what she did.

''Tigress!''

Annoyed, the Master turned around, noticing that her insect friend was staring at something in the distance. His alarmed call made her wonder if any attackers were nearby.

''What?'' She asked, her voice sharper than originally intended.

However, Tigress was left completely bewildered when she saw the answer with her own eyes.

''What the...''

**KFP DRABBLES**

''Po..!''

''You..!''

''IDIOT!''

Master Monkey was yelling, as he went and came from beneath the rolling rock, along with the Dragon Warrior. They were both bruised and had, most likely, broken a few bones.

At least that was what Tigress and Mantis were able to notice as the immense rock (along with the two Masters) approached them at an amazing speed.

Master Tigress decided that it would be better for all of them if she didn't wonder what was going on. However, as an experienced Kung Fu warrior, a plan immediately formed into her mind.

She glanced at Mantis, who nodded, signaling that he knew exactly what to do. As the troublesome rock got closer and closer, the two Masters jumped high into the air, ready for the rescuing operation.

Gravity, being the key of their plan, had to be used perfectly, so the two concentrated their energy into their feet, being pulled back faster than they normally would have.

Just as the rock passed over a certain area, Tigress and Mantis landed straight onto it, the ground beneath them cracking under their feet. The technique made the rock's speed decrease for a few seconds, and the two Masters used those few seconds to their advantage.

When they saw the two bruised bodies come from underneath the rock, Tigress and Mantis immediately ran towards them, the original intention being to hold both of them back while their lifeless enemy continued on its path.

However, just as Tigress' paw touched Po's fur, ready to keep him from moving, the silly panda grabbed her arms. The tiger's eyes widened. ''Let go, you idiot!''

''If I die, you die with me!''

When Mantis realized what was going on, he tried to reach out to Tigress. However, time was against them, those few seconds coming to a painful end.

Four Kung Fu Masters and a rock crashed into a massive tree five minutes later.

**KFP DRABBLES**

''D.. Day one went bad?'' Viper asked that evening, looking from one injured Master to the other. They were all sitting at the kitchen table, even though not even one of them felt hungry.

Crane's neck was bandaged and he wouldn't have been able to eat anyways, Viper's tail felt extremely sore due to all the bandaging she had done that day (the four unlucky Masters' wounds had been taken care of as well). Monkey and Mantis were extremely silent that evening (which was very unusual), Po kept complaining about every single scratch and Tigress was fuming.

The snake's question remained unanswered, and silence filled the kitchen once again, except for Po's occasional whining.

Suddenly, though, the kitchen door opened and a tiny red panda entered the Kung Fu Masters' 'sanctuary'. As always, he was greeted respectfully, but his students slumped back into their seats afterwards, which the Grandmaster considered to be extremely bizarre.

Shifu glanced from one Master to the other with a somewhat confused look, but he ended up shrugging it off, most likely assuming that they had worn themselves out during their training session.

''Goodnight, students,'' he started, ''I will be expecting you at the Peach Tree tomorrow, for a spiritual lesson.''

The Masters nodded their heads, without saying a word.

Quite confused, the Grandmaster turned to leave, but he suddenly remembered something and faced his students once again, closing his eyes, as he always did when explaining something.

''Also, Dragon Warrior. You might have noticed noises coming from your chair. Apologies, Zeng _somehow_ managed to crash into it after a small accident that occured in this room: the chair made noises whenever someone sat on it. I just wanted to tell you that it has been fixed.''

Something else prevented Shifu from leaving that time, and it was a loud thud. He opened his blue eyes to see all his students on the floor, unconscious.

''Was it something I said?''


End file.
